So I waded past endless hidden camera products and variations on dog collars to bring you the Best & Most Ridiculous SkyMall Product Names.
1.) The Telekinetic Obstacle Course. Anything involving telekinesis and a male model staring intently at what seems to be a miniature SeaMonkey playground is such a win in my book. Please tell me the second edition will involve bending spoons or tarot cards or some creepy character on the Ouija board telling this model to get a new haircut because the 80's ended twenty years ago.
2.) The Panning Faux Security Camera Set
This may technically---technically---involve the Overly Paranoid target audience of SkyMall. Still, I maintain that because it is a FAUX Security Camera, it's more for the Hollywood person who's made enough money to put a cheap gate around their Southern California property but not enough to hire full-time security.
I'm thinking someone like Carrot Top.
But how does it work, o descriptive SkyMall writers?
"A rigid ball filled with water fits into the non-slip footrest, providing responsive push-off when compressed against a pool's floor with your body weight, and enables you to splash effortlessly in shallower water and bound powerfully through deeper water."
Just think, boys & girls, you too could bound powerfully through the deeper water of your plastic splash pool! It's like having a jet-pack and floaties ALL AT ONCE!
4.) The "Keep Your Distance" Bug Vacuum
"When he falls to the bottom, he's electrocuted! ZAP! Bye-bye bug! No more squishing bugs with my shoe, no more running and screaming!" This one may be worth researching the product video, because imagine replacing all my exclamation points in the previous transcript with awkward smiles and a flatter-than-Kansas delivery. It's kind of amazing.
Take one look at the glee in her face and tell me she's not imagining herself as some sort of sick, twisted, bug-hating Rambo.
5.) Solar Moler (the solar-powered Mole Repeller)
The Solar Moler.
Ladies and gentlemen, somebody is making a lot of money off of this product name, and I just want to be clear on how much I dislike them.
Apparently, "The moles find the vibrations annoying and will soon be on their way when you use these solar mole repellers." So this is like a giant golf tee crossed with a vibrator. You, too, could get a US patent for such brilliance! Act now! All major credit cards accepted!
6.) RealRock Fake Rock Covers
Let's just all take a second to really appreciate that title. RealRock Fake Rock Cover. RealRock Fake Rock...y'know what? I'm not even going to try and explore the linguistic complexity happening in that title. Let's just chalk it up to marketing genius. It's a fake rock masquerading as a real rock to try and cover up those unsightly parts of your yard. Because fake rocks aren't an eyesore. Fake rocks occur in nature the exact dimensions of your eletrical boxes, you know.
But wait! There's more! In the only review I've found of a SkyMall product so far, Tphmike writes,
"Very satisfied with the rock. Perfect color and is very realistic. Covers that old electical box perfectly."
There you have it, folks. He is very satisfied with the rock. It is the perfect color and is very realistic. It covers his electrical box perfectly. He's found fake-rock nirvana. We can only hope for similar results in our own fake geometric boulders.
7.) Basho the Sumo Wrestler
Apparently the Fake Rocks set the SkyMall trend, because Basho got a whopping 5 Skymall User Reviews. Madwoman from Ohio writes,
"Bought it for my husband for his Birthday. He loves Budda the budda, but we couldn't find a big one. I showed him this and he loved it. It is definately a conversation piece. He is getting the Sumo table for Christmas."
All spelling remains identical to the way Madwoman from Ohio originally typed her masterpiece. Her husband loves Budda the budda. I don't know what a budda is, but I assume it's some sort of vegetable. I know a Buddha, and this guy looks more like a fat Japanese man with an awkward haircut going to the bathroom than the benevolent big-bellied Buddha. But wait! What's that Madwoman from Ohio hints at?
A Sumo table? Let's investigate, sports (SkyMall) fans!
Well. Madwoman from Ohio wasn't kidding. Let's all take a moment to appreciate the attention to detail in the bamboo plants on Basho's back, and then let's never mention this again.
8.) The Electronic Feng Shui Compass
Well, SkyMall fans, I'm at a loss on this one. Apparently, there are electric fields in our house that this magical compass can read. Apparently, it helps some sort of design element in your home. Apparently, it will not count dirty dishes or unvacuumed carpets in my favor, which means I'm already at a loss. Feng shui is a big deal to Traveling Business People, who all gave the product 5 stars. I'm still convinced these reviewers have no electromagnetic activity for the compass to "work with," but maybe I'm wrong. After all, pilotSteve says, "When traveling I always check that my hotel room bed is facing one of my good directions, even if I end up sleeping diagonally (or, twice now, sleeping reversed on the bed!). I almost always sleep well and get the rest I need while traveling. Don't leave home without it!"
Oh, I won't, pilotSteve. I won't.
9.) Bigfoot, the Garden Yeti
With alleged Bigfoot sightings the world over, from the Himalayas to the Americas, this elusive, mythical legend has been captured for Toscano in a quality designer resin statue and hand-painted for startling realism.
Well, SkyMall writers, I have to hand it to you. "Startling realism" is hard to pull off when your model has never actually been accurately recorded. Remember, future buyers, this startlingly realistic elusive mythical legend is a full two feet tall. And it's definitely more classy than ridiculous garden gnomes.
10.) The Zombie of Montclair Moors
Zombies. In your garden. On purpose. Because that just rings of stable mental health.
Hey. HEY. This zombie "features the most zombie-like eyes you've ever seen!" I don't know about you all, but I consider myself something of a zombie connoisseur, and these are without a doubt the most rabid flesh-hungry eyes I've ever seen. Well done, Skymall!
Don't agree with me? This product has garnered a full 6 pages of enthusiastic 5-star reviews. "Buy several and create your own Army of the Undead for your own zombie theme!" says Matt Genandt, Product Manager of SkyMall.
Prankster from Wichita, Kansas, shares, "...My grown daughter covered its face with a towel while I was away and she was cat-sitting so she didn't have to look at it. Great purchase - it will be a mainstay around my house."
Anonymous says, ""I got this as a wedding gift for a friend that loves Zombies. He loved it, his wife hated it. That was the plan."
Well said, Anonymous. So if you want to freak out friends, punish cat-sitters, and ruin marriages, act now! For only $89.95, you too can have 1/3rd life-size replica of an undead body coming to feast on your brains, flesh, and other working organs! Call today!