Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Meet my New Lover

Things can get lonely in a big, empty house.

Oh, Nicki. Of all the horrible mistruths you have intentionally or unintentionally spun on this blog, that one may have been the worst. Rewrite:

Things can get lonely in a smallishly sized, extraordinarily cluttered, maddeningly devoid of color townhouse. Lonely even with an elderly albino ferret and an overenthusiastic Shepherd-Lab mix that is the living representation of Bambi on Ice. All spindly legs and enthusiasm, no coordination. Or brains. Or a mom.

I swear he's genetically modified. Nothing found in nature can run this awkwardly.
Well, maybe a platypus.

Well, things can get lonely unless there's a Top Chef marathon on and I've got a big ole bottle of tempranillo. Or it's Mad Men Night and I force invite my friends to dress like it's 1963, down whiskey, and act repressed. Or I'm playing a game with my next door neighbors called Domestic Dispute or Really Loud Rap Song?, in which I try to guess if the loud noises thumping through my walls are a domestic dispute and I need to call the authorities or if it's merely loud hip-hop they've chosen to blare at three in the morning.

Or, y'know,  my ceiling falls down.


Well, ladies and gentlemen, there is a new man in my life.


He's dark. He's bright. He's quick. He's well-connected. And I can look at him in full sunlight without squinting.


OH HELLO LOVER.



Look at his sexy "electronic ink" display and lightweight design. Take in his sultry page-turning buttons and his oh-so-considerate different font sizes, ranging from normal to semi-geriatric (perfect for my pre-coffee I JUST WOKE UP AND I FORGOT TO TAKE MY CONTACTS OUT LAST NIGHT  AND THE WORLD LOOKS FUZZY AND DISORIENTING AND WHY THE HELL DO THEY MAKE THE TWEETS SO SMALL" moments).







Yep. He's perfect. Now he just needs a name. I put out an incredibly vague twitter request ("My new Kindle/date needs a strong, masculine, and ridiculous name, something like Gustav, Pierre, or Sergei. Suggestions?") and I got some pretty good suggestions--Vladimir (Vlad), Dragomir, and Adolf. Yes, Adolf. Thanks, twitterverse.


I got it down to Anton Chekhov v. Fyodor Dostoevsky. Let's face it, Hemingway and Steinbeck just don't have the same vibe. 










 VS.












Writer wise, my heart belongs to Chekhov. Always will. But I love Dostoevsky and who wouldn't love a Kindle named Fyodor?


So blog poll: Anton or Chekhov or Fyodor or Dostoevsky? 

My Kindle's birth certificate is in your hands.

12 comments:

  1. Facebook update: Mooney says "Well it won't let me comment in the proper space, so this'll hafta suffice. But, but...but what about Carl? You choose to ignore the great People's Poet? I'm mortified. I'm shocked. I'm shocked and mortified. Oh the humanity!"

    To which I respond: Mr. Sandburg will forever be my favorite poet, but Carl just isn't as sexy as Anton.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Perry the Platypus, MDSeptember 8, 2010 at 9:30 PM

    Fyodor rules.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I am quite envious of your new man, to be perfectly honest. And I must vote "Anton," for the simple fact that I am now reading Night Watch and REALLY want to envision your Kindle fighting rogue vampires, actually.

    Oh, and I LOVE your "Domestic Dispute or Really Loud Rap Song?" game. I used to play that frequently when I lived in the dorm. Don't let the fact that it's a dorm fool you: if you've ever watched "Police Women of Memphis" on TLC, you've witnessed the antics of the third floor of Pittman Hall. We eventually deemed it "the university ghetto."

    ReplyDelete
  4. Dude.

    Hemmingway totally rocks the hyper-masculine vibe, what with all the bullfighting and mysogyny. Plus Fyodor does go ON a bit, doesn't he?

    "Really? Just KILL the bitch already, would ya? I'm 200 pages in and am going to kill MYSELF if something doesn't happen soon!"

    Also, I nearly named my last dog Ernest.

    But I suspect that was because he licked his own balls and tried to bite all the she-dogs in the neighbourhood. It seemed appropriate.

    - B x

    ReplyDelete
  5. Megan--Anton is winning so far! I haven't read Night Watch yet, but I hear the whole series is brilliant (and the movies aren't bad either).

    Darling Barreness--I am so with you on your previous "enough of the LOLZ LOLZ LOLZ ROLLING UNDER MY DESK LAUGHING AND SNORTING" sentiment, but the last sentence of your comment seriously made me laugh out loud for an embarrassingly extended amount of time considering I am a.) outside, b.) in public, and c.) already getting stares for sitting outside with my laptop.

    thotlady--Thanks for voting! I'm leaning heavily towards the Chekhov path. Sorry, Fyodor.

    ReplyDelete
  6. You are a hoot! I did a similar post asking Twitter to marry me. I just got my kindle last week and I agree with you 100%. I wonder if my kindle will light a candle for ambiance too. I'm hoping.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Catherine--I loved your blog and I am now off to hunt out this bended knee twitter post now--can't resist!

    ReplyDelete
  8. Anton. Definately Anton. And it's not because I have a cougar crush on Apollo Anton Ono either.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Those neighbor games can be confusing. I remember one time when I thought we were playing Domestic Dispute or Violent Attack by an Intruder, and I (stupidly, in retrospect) knocked on their door to find out which it was. It all worked out, though, because it turned out we'd really just been playing Boyfriend Having a Seizure.

    Are you sure your Kindle hasn't already decided on a name for itself? You might want to look for clues in the screen saver images it decides to show you.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Mary A-- Not only is Anton winning so far, but now you've given me another reason to name him thus. Because AA Ono was adorable on Dancing With the Stars. Oh God, that was my outdoor voice. I mean, in the Olympics.

    Laura--you know, it has a penchant for showing Virginia Woolf a lot, and Lord knows I love a room of one's own as much as the next girl, but I just can't see myself cuddling up next to a woman who drowned herself in a river.

    Hmm. Did love me some Mrs. Dalloway, though. Might have to reconsider.

    ReplyDelete
  11. That picture is fantabulous!!!! I must get a picture of my Studley running....except he is too old to run! Ugh.

    And, lets have a threesome with your new lover! LOL

    ReplyDelete

Comment on this post. Or tell me your favorite movie. Or your favorite pez flavor. Maybe your analytical interpretation of "The Graduate." Anything goes, really.