Thursday, September 23, 2010

Snark of Righteousness, Spellcheck of Doom

I'm a terrible, terrible bloggess. Damnit. That's already taken. I'm a terrible, terrible blogmaster.  Blogmistress. Blogstress. Bloggera. Bloginator.


Bloginator?






I'm totally keeping the last one. Hell, we're making buttons. More to come.

Why am I a terrible BLOGINATOR, MASTER OF THE BLOGOSPHERE, DEFENDER OF GRAMMAR, UNOBSTRUCTOR OF JUSTICE WHO WIELDS THE SNARK OF RIGHTEOUSNESS AND SPELLCHECK OF DOOM?

Oh, Christ. I've been away for a week. You can always tell when I've been away for a week because I start breaking out the HTML formatting like acne on a preteen's forehead.

You can also tell because my metaphors get exponentially weirder with every day I'm away.



That's not why I'm a terrible BLOGINATOR, MASTER OF THE BLOGOSPHERE...skipping ahead.... SNARK OF RIGHTEOUSNESS AND SPELLCHECK OF DOOM?


I'm terrible because I left all of you for a week with Anne Geddes pictures plastered all over the Handbag. Shudder. I'm so sorry. Please fax your therapy bills over here, and I'll pay them off in Pez dispensers and misshapen knitted socks. Or misshapen knitted hipster beanies.

Now. Blog housekeeping. Go go gadget bullet points.

  • I'll be sketchily posting for awhile, as I'm moving and eventually I'll have to give up my internet box. And when that happens, I'll be too busy cutting myself and crying in the shower to post. Crying in the shower to "Nothing Compares to You." Great visual. You're welcome.
  • The fabulous Lilly over at A Pre-Life Crisis gave me an AWARD. That's right, kids, this little blog went from a flea-bitten nag to a pretty show pony in our brief interim.

    Mmm, you're right. Show pony? This blog? Too much. But at least I'm a versatile flea-bitten nag.

    So go check out Lilly's blog! Go! Now!


  • Miss Meg from Oh, hey reality tagged me in one of those fab STD posts where you get to learn all about your fellow show ponies and then pass that shit on. It's like herpes. Informative herpes.

    I actually really love these things, because they make me seriously re-evaluate my life and my stance on the Coke-Pepsi debate.

    Megan asked some great questions and I'm pretty sure I'm not going to be able to answer them correctly because on tests I always forget my #2 pencil and then when I finally find one  it's always mechanical with all the writing rubbed off on the clip thing and I still worry if it's #2 but I decide to live life on the edge and use it anyway but the lead never comes out so you sit clicking for like eight minutes and everyone stares at you so you just have to sit there all casual in your too-small desk pretending you're nonchalant about the whole thing because it's completely normal to sweat profusely and silently barter with God to release the lead YOU KNOW IS IN THE GODDAMN PENCIL BECAUSE YOU CAN HEAR IT WHEN YOU SHAKE IT.

    So. Ahem. Questions.

    1) What do you most regret in life?
    Well, after that pencil tangent, I'm pretty sure my answer can't be anything BUT not bringing 2 crisply sharpened yellow Ticonderoga pencils to every exam. Close second: eating a Marie Calendar microwave pasta meal. That was past its expiration date. Unbeknownst to me.
     
    This is pretty much how the situation went down.
    No, I didn't make this for the blog. I emailed this out to my friends to explain why I wasn't going out margarita-ing for a friends' birthday.
    I wanted pity.

    I received mockery. In droves.

    2) Paper or plastic? Plastic used to be better, because it saved trees. Then it became paper, because of oil. I keep saying I'm going to crochet grocery bags and be cool. But Kermit was right with his It-Ain't -Easy doctrine re: being green. I keep making Spider-man blankets instead of grocery bags.

    Yeah. I actually made that. File that under "Guaranteed To Make Nicki Lose Followers."

    3) What is your favorite infrequently used word? Blast. As in, Blast! Foiled again. Or shenanigans.

    4) What was your favorite toy/game/thing to do/place to go growing up?The honest answer is reading. The worst punishment my parents ever gave me was to take away my books (and they only did it once--but I was a bitch and deserved it).

    I hated baby dolls. Never understood the fun in the whole "playing mom" thing. When I was 3, the only things I asked Santa for were two tractors. I got them. And I loved them.

    5) Describe yourself in five words. GO!

    Enjoys jumping through fountains naked.

    Or: Writer, Adventurer, Lover of Potatoes.

    6) What piece of literature/film of particular cinematic merit inspires you most? (Kidding. It doesn't have to be fancy. Just a book/movie. Or even a really long Youtube skit. Whatever. And it doesn't necessarily have to be inspiring.) Oh, jaysus. I was an English major. This could take forever. 
     
    I will never be able to pick what inspires me MOST. But in the interest of brevity (it's the soul of wit, y'all), I'll name the first thing that comes to mind: Shakespeare. God. Cliche. I know. I'm a huge fan. Like, in the nerdist kind of way. I know he's overrated. Shut up. I KNOW. But I'm in love. "O, she doth teach the torches to burn bright"? Christ. My heart flutters. Bard, you can be my muse of fire any day.

    No, that's not a euphemism for an STD.

    BUT IT SHOULD BE.

9 comments:

  1. Is it insulting that, although I enjoyed and appreciated this entire post, the thing that made me happiest was that you counted "of" as a word?

    ReplyDelete
  2. XD Lacie I noticed that too! Well I enjoyed reading every word of your blog because you are just amazing. I loved your diagram about the Marie Calender's dinner though. Some of them make me sick even if it wasn't past it's expiration dates.

    http://theadorkableditzmissteps.blogspot.com/

    ReplyDelete
  3. Oh, mighty Bloginator. I exalt thee.

    I loved your answers. Thanks for reposting!

    Your pictures are awesome too. Love the whole post.

    Oh, and I want one of these buttons you speak of.

    ReplyDelete
  4. For the crocheted spiderman blankie, I'd follow you twice if I could.

    ReplyDelete
  5. The problem with the Bard, IMHO, is not that he is overrated, but he is over-quoted and under-read.

    "first let's kill all the lawyers" is my best example. Talk about taking things out of context.

    I can forgive the spidey blanket. I don't get the santa hat tho.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Writer, Adventurer, Lover of Potatoes.

    That's just 4 wor-- okay, that's five. Haha.

    ReplyDelete
  7. the bloginator. i fucking love it! and your header is epic too yo

    ReplyDelete
  8. ........LOL!!!THe bloginator!!YAYI like that name...lol...the blogness, u have amazing ideas...EPIC!such good ideas...KEEPONBLOGGINGANDNEVERSTOP! okay...yeah. nuff said...


    www.mylifenawtyours.blogspot.com

    BACKOFFOFMYLIFE. Okay...now I'm being stupid.
    okay...um...
    my favorite movie is avatar...
    um...i dont eat pez...ILOVEAPPLES!

    ReplyDelete

Comment on this post. Or tell me your favorite movie. Or your favorite pez flavor. Maybe your analytical interpretation of "The Graduate." Anything goes, really.