Monday, December 13, 2010

Guess Who's Coming to Dinner? (Spoiler Alert: It's Phil Collins)

Setting: I'm visiting home and writing an article entitled "10 Classic 80's Rock Love Songs."

Cast of Characters:
Nicki: Our heroine. Our neurotic, overexcitable, classic rock-loving heroine.
Mike: Nicki's stepfather. Hunter. Mechanic. Tinkerer. Strong-handed, guitar-picking country man with a mighty love for Clint Eastwood, Led Zeppelin, and Creedence Clearwater Revival.
Mom: A woman of formidable strength and brilliance. Acclaimed engineer. Mother of two. Tough as nails, sharp-witted, paper-thin with a warm smile. Cannot sing to save her life.

Editor's note: all quotation marks indicate a character is singing. Poorly.


Mike: Sweet Child O' Mine.
Nicki: Got it. Oo, I'll do Patience too.
Mike: That ballad by Kiss.
Nicki: Beth. I think that was 70's, but I'll check.
Mike: Foreigner.
Nicki: I Want to Know What Love Is AND Waiting for a Girl Like You. Got 'em both.
Mike: Amanda by Toto.
Nicki: Toto doesn't sing Amanda.
Mom: Yes they do. A-maaaa-anda, a-maaaa-aaaaanda.
Nicki: No. That's Rosanna. "All I wanna do when I wake up in the morning is see your eyes, Ro-saaaa-na, Rosaaaaa-na."
Mike: That's not it. It's AMANDA.
Nicki: You're thinking of Amy. "Aaaameeeee, whatchoo wanna doooooo, I think I could stay with you..."
Mike: NO.
Mom: What's that song with Phil Collins about breath?
Nicki: I'm not putting Phil Collins anywhere near my list of ROCK SONGS. What, do you want me to add "Total Eclipse of the Heart" too?
Mike: It's by Boston.
Nicki: No, that's "More Than a Feelin'." Enough about Amanda.
Mom: No, Phil Collins, maybe when he was still with Genesis, and he sang about breath.
Mike: Nicki. Google Amanda.
Nicki: I DON'T CARE IF PHIL COLLINS WENT ON TOUR WITH KISS, I AM NOT PUTTING HIM ON MY LIST.

Nicki Googles Amanda. 

Nicki: OH! "I'M GONNA TAKE YOU BY SURPRIIIIISE, MAKE YOU REALIZE, AMANDA."
Mike: That's it.
Mom: Oh, there's that ballad by Kiss, what's that called?
Nicki: "I'M GONNA TELL YOU RIGHT AWAY, I CAN'T WAIT ANOTHER DAY, AMANDAAAAA."
Mom: I know Phil Collins did that song for a movie with Madonna. It was a big hit.
Mike: Led Zeppelin had a song called Hot Dog.

Nicki: "I'M GONNA SAY IT LIKE A MAN AND MAKE YOU UNDERSTAND, AMANDAAAA."
Mom: Nicki. NICKI. That song by Kiss.
Nicki: Mom. MOM. It's Beth. That wasn't the eighties. Maybe I Was Made for Loving You was in the eighties.
Mike: What's that Whitesnake song where Tawny Kitaen crawls around on a Jaguar?
Nicki: Cherry Pie. OO, MY, CHERRY PIE. Not a love song.
Mike: NO. It is not Cherry Pie. It is a Whitesnake song.

Nicki googles "whitesnake song where girl crawls around on car." She's delighted to find a Yahoo Answers question phrased in the exact same way.

Nicki: Here I Go Again. Not gonna work.

Mike: Look up "When I'm With You." Play that one. It's by Sheriff.
Mom: I don't think Cher would be a good fit for this list.
Nicki: SherIFF, Mom, SherIFF.
Mike: It starts out cheesy but it gets good at the chorus.
Mom: How about Sister Sledge?

Nicki finds "When I'm With You." She quickly decides there's no way in hell she's putting it on her list, but keeps listening and nodding appreciatively to appease Mike.

Mike: Awww, yeah. This is it. This is IT.
Mom: What about Devo?
Nicki: ON WHAT PLANET IS WHIP IT A LOVE SONG?
Mom: You know, this really doesn't sound like Cher.
Nicki and Mike: SHERIFF.
Mom: Oh. Sheriff. You don't have to yell.
Nicki: Okay. Guys, I have fourteen songs for this list of ten songs. Thanks for all your help. Really. I've gotta start writing it now.
Mom: Okay. But what's that Phil Collins song? You know, with the drum part that goes DO-do, DO-do, DO-do-da-do-dodo.

Mike and Nicki stare in amazement.

Nicki: Holy crap. She means In the Air Tonight.
Mike: That's not a love song.
Nicki: Definitely not a love song.
Mike: Nope.
Nicki: Isn't that about someone drowning?
Mom: IT IS NOT. It's that movie with Madonna and it was a big hit from the movie. HUGE hit.

Nicki begins dutifully listing all Phil Collins songs.

Mom:  AGAINST ALL ODDS! THAT'S IT! It's from that movie! Against All Odds!





A minute passes. Mom is smiling triumphantly.

Nicki: (softly) That wasn't Madonna.
Mom: Shut it.

10 comments:

  1. Bwhahaahha. I should have known better than to read your blog while drinking any kind of beverage. That's okay though, the monitor needed a nice sweet tea bath.

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  2. I'm coming to your parent's house for Christmas. Email me directions. Don't tell my kids I'm going to be gone. That should buy me a few minutes. You rock. Get it? Of course you do, it was lame.

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  3. Love it - quite a collection of good 80s songs too. Amanda may be cheesy, but I've always been a big fan of the band Boston... seriously. One of the few I am sure.

    At least your mom has some knowledge of 80s music. My mom would know who Madonna and KISS are but doubtful she could name any of their songs.

    SD
    http://simpledudecomplexworld.blogspot.com/

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  4. OMG, that was a riot! Conversations in my parents' home go about the same way, but they wouldn't have gotten many 80's things besides maybe Bon Jovi, Rod Stewart, or Sting. I have never for the life of me figured out why my mother always remembers Sting and Bon Jovi.

    http://talkativetaurus.blogspot.com/

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  5. Hmmm...I really need to meet Mike and your mom. I am already thinking that they should be two of my new favorite people. I bet there's never a dull, boring conversation anywhere near those two! :)

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  6. HAHAHAHA, I loved this. The banter between you and your folks is hilarious. And I disagree, Cherry Pie is totally a love song!

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  7. A great way to start my day. That's HI-larI-ous! (yes I know, I just murdered that word) I see where you get your banter from. That was like a tennis match with someone on the sideline occasionally tossing a random volley in just to keep you on your toes.
    And Tsaritsa, in my opinion, Cherry Pie is a lust song, not a love song. :)

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  8. that was really funny! Don't you just love it when family gets together and sings, LOL (maybe not my family)

    amberlashell.com

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  9. "Beth I hear you calling. . .but I can't get home right now. . . .Me and they boyz are playin', and we just can't find the sou-ou-ound. Just a few more hours, and I'll be right home to you. Beth I hear ya callin'. . .Oh beth, what can I do???"

    Sigh. I love that song. Makes me choke up.

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  10. Good to know my family isn't the only one that has weird and random conversations about weird and random things.

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